The clock has struck. Multi coloured embers emerged from the ground and danced against the veil of black sky. Beneath the display stood a crowd of people with confetti's strewn across the ground by their feet. Their faces lit up with joy as they welcomed the coming dawn of a new year.

Some looked to the fireworks against the sky and smiled at the promises they made in silence. Others looked at their loved ones and squeezed their hands, grateful that they were together for the new beginning to come. 

Somewhere, away from the masses and the celebration, in a darkened room in a house already in slumber, a girl laid on her bed, her features set aglow from the brightness of her phone. The numbers on her screen changed, and from an eye a tear escaped. Like everyone else who welcomed the new year, she had been waiting. But she, unlike everyone else, had hands gripping at her heartstrings, playing to the tune of her anxiety - a rhythm she knew all too well. She let the song play, and let the tears come rushing out as her boulder-sized worries weighed her down.


Little did she know, in the depths of her worries, listening to her shuddering breaths and her quickening heart beats was a flickering but constant spark. One that would not interfere. Not yet. For with time, the girl's breaths would even out, and she would slowly find rest and ease. With time, her heart would find calm in the tears she would leave to dry. With time, the spark would come alight and alive, and they would, in their merged glow, be hopeful, be forgiving, and live.

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I was once that girl.

When 2018 came, I was both hopeful and terrified. Hopeful, because new years meant new beginnings and a chance to 'startover'. Terrified, because new years felt so pure and sacred - and that one wrong slip or move, and I won't get that fresh beginning again. 

But with time, Masha Allah, Alhamdulillah, I no longer feel that way. Allah has opened my eyes and has let me realise a few things about new years/change: 

02. "Our minds are not like tape recorders or cameras. You don't get more space by removing things from it. Instead, you built on top of what is already in mind and continue from there." This, I learned from one of my psychology classes. And I've held on to it since. The way I see it is this: you can't 'delete' your past mistakes. You can't get a clean slate. Instead, you can use your past as the foundation to build onto and become a better you. In sha Allah. So be forgiving.

03. Change can be a mental thing. New years can be seen as an opening to make changes to your life. But it doesn't need to be. The desire to change can become a mindset. A constant mindset. So for as long as you have that 'change for the better' mindset, you don't need to wait every year to renew resolutions and make changes in your life, In sha Allah. You can just search inside yourself the desire to make changes, and change. So live.