to settle for the right moment
Sunday, August 04, 2019
I got a fortune cookie the other day that said to “keep waiting for the right moment”.
I hadn't known this at the time, but waiting for the right moment for me looked a lot like making rounds in plant nurseries and flower stores, trying to find a perfect potted one to bring with me.
For a week, my watch has been left ticking away two hours behind, and I’d leave it sitting on my shelf that way instead of setting it right. And until a few days back, I’d left my bed unmade throughout the day, knowing I’d crawl right back in to it come midday. My suitcases are still sitting in my room, reminding me of the time I had left them there the whole semester the last time I was here because “I would be back home soon enough”.
Just a few ways I’ve been rebelling. Just a few ways I’ve refused to settle.
Little did I know that the Sunday a week in to the semester, I would be buying myself a plant.
It almost would’ve been a bonsai, a stunner I couldn’t hide my awe for. But caring for her was complicated, the shopkeeper tells me. Wires, pruning, shaping and the like. I want to jump right in, I think. But I’m setting her down on the cart where she came from again, thinking that I’m ready for her, knowing well that I’m not.
It also could’ve been an orchid, one with a promised bloom come Summer’s day. She’s a delicate one, but also tough, with shoots that have sprouted already. I’d have a flower over the next few weeks, I think. But she needs repotting, needs a better home to cozy into and so I walk away.
The one I end up carrying home in a tiny cardboard box at the end of the day of looking for something I hadn’t known I was looking for, is an African Violet. Ready a water dish and fill it in once a week to care for her, the shopkeeper tells me. I think of the patterned pink dish I have in my room, waiting for a purpose. And this little plant, with a sweet white flower peeking out and another one on its way, might just be a perfect fit for it. I’d like her for the semester, I think.
And it is a semester long that I’d have her for. And I'm looking at her and I'm realising that a semester is not too long to go, now. But it is just about the right amount of time, I think, for her to settle.
The right moment, I think, for me to try.
PS: SOME FLOWERS FOR THE TAKING 🎕
I'm a ways away from settling and finding my footing again, but the Sunday I went out with a few friends for market food and finds and came back with a plant to care for, was a start. And I cherish metaphors on flowers and on how we can, similarly to them, grow. So coming back from our little trip, with bonsai's and orchids and African violets in mind, I wrote this piece and found that my search for 'the right flower' was in so many ways, alike to my searching for the right moment to feel at home with myself again. (A song I've been loving for a while comes to mind as I write this).
My African Violet has since bloomed another flower, but I'm still learning my way around the best way to care for her and help her grow. Along the same lines, I'm learning my way around the best way to care for myself and help myself grow, too. What stage would you say you're in right now, in the way of a flower's stages of growth?
Are there are any flowers for the taking that you would like to share, too? Stories or videos or quotes that you feel are related to this piece? Share them with me in the comments; I'd love to hear from you!
With love,
Iween
🎕
2 comments
Salaam Iween// I missed reading your writings. this is also another beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to somehow always feeling uncomfortably "its not the right time yet" and "it'll be over soon so perhaps I dont need to settle down," and your absolutely endearing and beautiful flower metaphors, this post does hit home.
I am happy that you are finding the ways to grow and to find your footing again. The different flowers and the condition and environment for their care. Thinking are you ready for that responsibility? Can I really take care of it so it has the best of growth.
I think we as humans have that too yes? Like leaving your suitcase unpacked,- as like I who have yet to unpack from my Singapore trip. Whether its due to laziness or thinking I am not ready for it to be over yet, I am unsure but I know the effort to actually start feels very heavy despite knowing it'll be alright midway- or leaving your watch as it is.
" But the right time will come soon,"
"I will come home soon,"
"It'll return to how it used to be,"
But what is the right time? How are supposed to tell if not us to make it so?
If I were to leave everything as it is, i wouldnt be betraying anything but in truth, I know that even if i were to let them go and just move forward, it never meant to betray anything.
Dear iween, I am really happy you have found a place where you can start again. I pray that you are able to care for yourself the way you care for your plant (also bid you all the best in growing plants/// thats an amazing resolve to have).
May the both of us remain steadfast and continue to fight and work for what is important in Sha Allah.
I have read somewhere that Allah does not compare one person to the other. The only one we will be compared to is ourselves and thus for each one of us, we are test different trials. With His guidance, we are always growing, that I believe and albeit a slow small step, progressing constantly is definitely a key. InshaAllah.
and in the end, all I wanted to say is there is nothing wrong with being weak. There is courage that stems from weakness. That despite feeling out of place, we will always try to push forward.
Keep praying and please take care,
Love You lots,
Ani
Wa'alaikumussalam. (I actually already replied before but it got lost somewhere in the tangled webs of the internet!).
DeleteAlhamdulillah. Yes, not unpacking from a holiday in some way to keep the memory of the holiday alive, or to still be in that moment where you were happy is really the thing that I was experiencing then. But it's true that moving on from that memory or moment and doing the unpacking (or the watch re-winding or the taking off of the make-up from the event etc. whichever way it applies-ing) doesn't mean that we're betraying that memory/moment or the feelings we have associated with them. We can go on with our lives and still hold on to that memory and have it in a special place in our hearts.
And maybe it's not so much "the right time" or to have a sign appear so much as it is about us being in the right headspace/mindset when it comes to moving on from a memory or settling in to a new one.
In sha Allah.
Love you lots, too <3